The Serve

Television rights. Fascinating stuff, isn’t it? By fascinating, I mean in the same way watching a Mark Webber interview while loaded up on tranquilizers is fascinating. Wait. That’s unfair. To tranquilizers.

Quick story: I had lunch the other day. A business meeting actually. Nutted out a terrific deal. Yep, I get to keep writing this column, and they keep paying me with red Skittles. Funny thing though, it didn’t make the back page of the paper. Let’s see, it was in a posh joint, table at the front, and I was rather loudly espousing my sexual exploits (Liz Hayes, if you read this, I was only joking), I was doing everything I could to get noticed. But no coverage. Nada.

Ah, that’s right, I forgot to ring the newspaper to tell them it was on. Dang.

Have a look at this phenomenal bit of news reporting from May 4 regarding NRL boss David Gallop. ‘The Daily Telegraph was there as Gallop arrived at Seven’s Pyrmont premises’. They were there! First there was Watergate, now this. Tell me, who the hell waits out of the front of channel Seven for no reason? No-one ever since the sultry Anne Fulwood got the boot. What a hunch they must have had. And would you believe the photographer got Gallop directly underneath the ‘seven network’ sign? Just uncanny! Even more uncanny: flip to the front page, there’s Gallop again, in classic Melrose Place style pose, under the now ubiquitous ‘seven’ sign, at a totally different angle!! Well, well. The God’s sure were smiling on the photographers that day.

Could it possibly be that the Daily Telegraph, owned by News Limited, who just happen to be 50 per cent share holders in rugby league (therefore any jump in rights fees would directly feed into the News coffers), would plant a story for their own benefit? No sir, that would be a cynical view. But hey, look what happened. Two weeks later, Nine rushes for the cheque book faster than a Michael Jackson lawyer at a parent teacher night, offers a deal triple what they were previously paying and rugby league is full of money again. Well done.

The AFL rights threatened to be the biggest soap opera of the lot, but it’s turning out to be as captivating as this season of E.R.. Recapping the exciting moments: Ten does a Brooke Logan and jumps out of bed with Nine and into bed with Seven, Eddie says big Kerry needs to do a J.R.Ewing (Caleb Nichol to you youngsters) and white knight the sport with a large sword and larger wallet, and in anticipation of a triumphant return to football, Bruce McAvaney celebrates with an apple juice and a sandwich. I believe it was ham. Apart from that, it’s been pretty quiet.

Let’s not forget the cricket. Nine are still the one for the next seven years, for the seemingly benevolent rate on their part of an extra $20 million per year (or four fresh batches of memorabilia. Three if they involve the Waugh twins).

The catch: Nine wants to do MCG games live into Melbourne and SCG games live into Sydney, regardless of ticket sales. Everyone’s a winner! Well, everyone except people in Brisbane, Adelaide and Perth, who will continue to be peppered with Mary Hart and The Curiosity Show while their home test is being played.

The best news of all? With Nine waving a $300 million cheque in front of Cricket Australia like a Schmacko to a Shih Tzu, CA didn’t bother making any demands themselves, so many of those wonderful traditions of summer will remain, including the ever popular ‘Eastern states viewers will now leave us for National Nine News’. Remember these moments: Shane Warne bowling Jacques Kallis for his 300^th test wicket, Tim May taking 5 for 9 in under seven overs to rip through the then powerful Windies in Adelaide, or Darren Gough claiming the first Ashes hat trick in 95 years? I do. And it was great to see them for the first time five hours later on Sports Tonight.

Bring it on. The tranquilizers I mean.