The Serve Grill: Tony Roche

Federer and Roche. Such a happy couple

Tony Roche doesn’t normally agree to interviews. Not even to satirical pretend interviews. But here he is on The Serve

TS: Thanks for talking to us, Tony.

TR: Oh we’ve started, have we? Is my Optus cap showing?

TS: This isn’t a television interview.

TR: Yes, but even if you write down ‘Optus’, I still get royalties.

TS: Right. Why did things go sour with Roger Federer?

TR: Well, I wouldn’t say things went sour. We just had a disagreement about money.

TS: In what way?

TR: It happened about two months ago after the Masters Series tournament in Miami. I put in an invoice and Merkin - that’s my name for Mirka - didn’t want to pay. She said my services ‘weren’t adequate’, to which I took great offence.

TS: I bet. Did you miss a training session or something?

TR: Oh God, I wasn’t there! Training session? Ha! That’s cute. Have you ever been to Florida in March? Nightmare.

TS: So you weren’t coaching then?

TR: Excuse me, young man. Coaching is much more than standing at the other end of the court, hitting volleys. I rang Roger straight after he blew away some schmo called Sam Querrey, and we had a telling chat.

TS: What did you say?

TR: I said ‘Great match, Roger’.

TS: That’s it?

TR: What do you mean ‘that’s it?’ Do you know how fragile tennis players are? I once told Lendl that cap with the flaps looked ridiculous. He spent the next two months locked in his attic in Prague.

Listen, coaching is 90% psychology and 10% physicality. You like that?

TS: I do.

TR: Got it from a Vince Lombardi video.

TS: Was there a settlement after the contract with Roger was terminated?

TR: Oh yes. Roger awarded me part of his winnings from Wimbledon a few years ago.

TS: That sounds very lucrative.

TR: Not really. What the hell am I supposed to do with Juliette the f**king cow?

TS: Alright, let’s move on. I understand there have been negotiations between you and Lleyton Hewitt. Where are they at?

TR: I don’t know really. I’m not sure we can come to terms. We can’t agree on scheduling. You know, he wants to go to places like Hamburg and Nice and Cincinnati. Eh, that’s not really for me.

TS: What have you offered as an alternative?

TR: I don’t think Lleyton needs to bother with all of those silly events. The grand slams are important, sure, and I’d be happy to go with him to those, but Lleyton could stay home for the rest of the year. He could play the Sydney badge competition and get in his match practice. I wouldn’t go to the away games though. Too much traffic.

TS: You can’t be serious. Why do you have such a problem with traveling? There are worse things in life than seeing some of the world’s great cities and flying there first class…

TR: Yeah, but try having to fly with John Newcombe. I like him, but not for 14 hours straight.

TS: Fair point. You’ve achieved some terrific things as a coach, but you couldn’t take Ivan Lendl to a Wimbledon title, nor Federer to the French. Having been so close and not quite tasting success, does that keep the fire burning?

TR: Not really. To be honest I get just as much pleasure coaching my 10 year old nephew, Richie.

TS: Is he a good little player?

TR: He just has fun hitting the ball and running around. It’s funny though, he constantly asks me about Roger and Ivan. When he plays in his local comp he tries to imitate Roger. He wins sometimes and he loses sometimes, but hopefully if my teachings can rub off on him, he can get to this years final, then lose.

TS: Thank you, Tony.

TR: No, thank Optus.

Interview may not have actually happened

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