The problem with twenty20

Published in Inside Sport April 2005

Someone once told me that if test cricket was like making love to Christy Turlington, then 50 over cricket was like a one night stand with a backpacker. So what does that make 20/20? Self-gratification to Poison Ivy II?

Now, I’ll admit that when 20,000 turn up for a state game, that’s big. Huge. End of story. The people have spoken, and they’re delighted to gratify themselves. The arguments are simple. It’s a quick package, kids seem to like it, Eye Of The Tiger on the loudspeaker every two goddamn minutes, it gets the adults in after work, and unlike 50 over cricket, doesn’t have those boring patches.

No boring patches?

I’ve seen a couple of these Poison Ivy games. A suburban match involving players from the New South Wales squad, as well as Australia A v Pakistan. And what happened? Both times the team batting first scored large, and the team chasing lost early wickets. Game over, and there were still 15 overs left. I looked around the ground, and families were having actual conversations with each other. It was that dire. I used the dead time to ring distant uncles and aunties, thanking them for the Christmas presents they bought me. In 1992.

OK, so we all know this summer was a dud. The tests had the occasional moment of mystery, such as Shane Watson’s presence. But the one dayers? Oh boy, they were awful. Waqar Younis in the commentary box awful. And the questions started….

Is the triangular format tired? Probably.

Are the periods between overs 15 and 40 too predictable? Sure, but they’ve been too predictable for twenty years.

Are the Australian’s just too good? Yes, but again, not exactly a new phenomenon.

Right, so we all know the problems, but where’s the solution?

And there it was, right on cue. A 20/20 carnival, you understand, packing out the Olympic Stadium or Telstra Dome, presumably, involving only Australian’s.

Let’s see. Three teams, apparently to be captained by Ponting, Gilchrist and Clarke. They’d then pick their sides arbitrarily, so each team would, in effect, be representing nothing. And, wait for this, the fans would then choose the teams they’d follow. Can you imagine the conversations on the train to Homebush? I was going to go for Clarke’s 11, but once Gilly picked Craig Philipson AND Xavier Doherty, I just had to change.

This is what’s going to save cricket? Wow. It’s worse than I thought.

(It should be noted that this idea was eventually not taken up by Cricket Australia, who believe in more subtle ways of milking the public, but it’s the best idea we’ve had so far. Scary.)

(Incidently, the worst thing about Desperate Housewives being a runaway hit? It means those ‘quiet please’ ads during the tennis actually worked. Um, boss, next January I’ll be on holidays…….in Amish country.)

I wonder, in all of these Darwinesque discussions that have taken place between the heavies from Nine and Cricket Australia and Geoff Prenter, did anyone offer the radical idea of just playing less one day cricket?

The only part of the triangular series vaguely worth looking forward to these days seems to be the best of three finals series. So why don’t we just play those? Three games against one nation, three games against another, with each centre getting one match each. Sure, Melbourne and Sydney would suffer, but fifty thousand empty seats for a final doesn’t exactly scream ‘give me more’.

(Perhaps they were saving their money for the $3500 Steve Waugh bat, sorry, Steve Waugh reproduced bat, from any one of his 168 tests. It does comes with a personally signed certificate though, and if you happen to draw the bat from the 2^nd test against West Indies in 02/03, where Tugga scored ‘DNB’ and ‘DNB’, you get a personally signed apology and a Powerball ticket)

See, here’s the thing: no matter how you dress it up, be it 50 overs, 20/20, field restrictions, no field restrictions, or seemingly respectable athletes masquerading as Mr.Kotter, as long as you’ve got McGrath or Gillespie with a pill in their hands, or Ponting holding a bat, there’s a fair chance there won’t be a contest.

But let’s make it mean something.

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