The ABC of cricket

Published in Inside Sport May 2005

The Ashes is on free to air television. Praise the Lord. Those two dozen candles I lit at my church on the hour every hour must have worked. Well done SBS. Well done Nine, Seven and Ten for having the guts to say it wouldn’t rate. Shame on you ABC. We’ll get to that a little later.

Can someone tell me when this years Ashes all of a sudden become the most important contest in cricket history? Sure, the Aussies are crying out for a challenge and England are playing rather competently, but the most awaited series ever?? England has beaten Australia exactly six times in their last 45 contests. Five of those six wins came in dead rubbers. (Don’t have the stats on me, but I’m guessing Andy Caddick was a factor in most of those dead rubber victories. He usually was.)

OK, England is on a roll, but who have they beaten to become this God-fearing opponent? The West Indies, home and away, and New Zealand at home. Chilling. ‘What about South Africa’ I hear you ask? Well, I watched every test of that series (because a - I’m a devout sports follower and b – I have a rather concerning predilection to sports gambling). Trust me, the Protea’s were woeful, and the Pom’s almost made a mess of it. If this was Wimbledon, England have beaten Sargis Sargsian, Andrew Ilie and Ashlee Simpson. Now they’re up against Federer.

The point is this: The Ashes may very well be a breathtaking series, but there’s a very real danger it would be a television disaster. As with this winter, the last English Ashes series was played over five tests. 25 nights of prime time TV. It was decided in 11. Not even Thommo’s creative use of English(or French) could save it. So, for that, I’m on the side of the free to air channels, including the ABC. SBS will be tremendous, because they always treat their sport with dignity and unlike the other networks, their ratings will improve. A perfect fit.

Now, the fun part.

I should reiterate that when I say I agree with the ABC, it was in regards to the idea of rejecting the Ashes in order to keep their ‘all-star’ line up in tact. But what did they do? They went ahead and bid for the rights, thus making it an question of money, not programming. And we all know the ABC hasn’t got a cent to spare, right? Can’t spare a square.

The moment I decided this was to be my subject, I was in the car listening to an FM station. 600 words defending the ABC? Yep, it was all coming to plan nicely. Why am I telling you this? Because within sixty seconds of this epiphany, a commercial came on for ABC’s night time line up.

Huh?

Here we are believing executives were looking in between couch cushions trying to scrounge together a bid, yet this service, this taxpayer funded service, this so-called non-ratings driven service, is spending inordinate amounts of public money just so we can be assured The Glass House has been moved to 9.30 Wednesdays. Puhleeze.

People, let’s not be in any doubt. The ABC may have put in a bid, but if they wanted the Ashes, really wanted them, they could have had them. If you run the Abie and you think Parkinson interviewing Cliff Richard for the seventeenth time is more worthy of prime time viewing, just say so. If elite sport doesn’t fit into to the cultural snobbery that is the ABC, then embrace it. Don’t insult our intelligence.

The definition of irony? ABC’s first bid to the English cricket board was reportedly half a million dollars. Enough Rope, an outstanding programme, costs around $100,000 an episode. So far during its run, Andrew Denton has interviewed Steve Waugh, Glenn McGrath, Adam Gilchrist, Dennis Lillee and Michael Slater.

You do the math.

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