The Serve

Lee sizzles, but where’s the steak?

December 2004 

At university, they told me that sex could sell anything. Anything? That’s a bit presumptuous isn’t it?

They were right. I concede that now. Sex can sell anything. It has to be true. Because we’re talking about Brett Lee playing in the Perth test.

Playing in Perth? How is this even possible?

Is there an injury in the Australian attack? No.
Is there a weakness in the Australian attack? Hell no.
Has Lee produced an irresistible string of performances in the domestic stuff? Negative.
Has Lee even played in the domestic stuff? Hardly. (Not his fault, but very little action nonetheless).

So I ask again: Playing in Perth, how is this a possibility?

Well, you’d have to admit this has been a dud summer for cricket. Weary.

See, when you’re a cricket tragic, quite often it means taking on the honorary role of cricket defender. At Christmas parties. At birthday parties. At dinner parties. ‘How can you sit there for seven hours and watch that stuff? Nothing happens’. You know madam, you’re right. I lay down my arms. It has been boring. Jack Newton boring…and please, can you pass me the low-carb potato salad.

So along comes Brett Lee, with the two hottest overs of the summer, and we’re all infatuated again. (Admittedly I only saw half of those twelve balls, because the kid in the glasses was on a hot streak on the channel 7 quiz show). But it was fun. It was intoxicating. It was sexy.

Forget the fact that Lee’s figures were 2 for 40 off 8. Forget the match was played with a white ball, forget it was under a roof and forget the small detail that Australia lost.

Lee was back.

2 for 40 off 8? That’s the equivalent of betting each way on an odds-on favourite that finishes third. Yep, Lee was back.

Let me hit you with some figures (this is the tedious part I know, but at university they told me if I dared make a statement, I’d better back it up with facts goddamn it).

Lee’s last test was the new years match in Sydney against the Indians.

Remember much about that game? I do.

Steve Waugh nearly made a century, Billy Bowden made away with a stump, and Brett Lee was smashed. Seriously smashed. Jason Donovan at the Viper Room smashed. 4 for 201 off 40 overs, and 0 for 75 off 12. Great celebration though when he clean bowled Agarkar. Sexy.

India: 9 for 916.

Michael Kasprowicz in India? Hmmm, lets see. An Economy rate of 2.3, an average of 28, and hey, who won the series?

India’s average score: 225. Kasper must have had something to do with that.

Lee has been great in the one dayers, I hear you say? Well, not really. 23 wickets this year at 29.

Kasper? 26 wickets at 14, and that includes the over from hell.

The thing is, I really like watching Lee. He reminds me of a Warne in the early nineties. Oh, what a time that was. Remember?  Finally, a legitimate excuse to walk away from distant family members mid-conversation. Uncle Bert, I agree that the youth of today has no respect. I have absolutely no doubt you were shining your parents shoes when you were 17 and walking twenty kilometres to and from school, but Warney’s on Uncle Bert. It’s time to listen to Geoff Boycott now.

Lee can have the same affect. Can you ever remember holding back unloading the dishwasher because Kasper was on?

But I don’t recall hearing Lee’s name being bandied about so readily in Sri Lanka. Or India. They weren’t pushovers though. We had respect for them.

Is Pakistan really that bad, we can afford to sacrifice a heap of substance for a little bit of style? A little bit of sexiness?

You know what? We probably can.

It doesn’t make it right though.

When Lee was dumped from the first XI, his problems were fairly obvious. Swing with the red ball was an issue once the shine disappeared, his length was sporadic and one bad ball an over was iron clad. I know we keep hearing how fit he is, but can his problems at the crease be fixed with 500 sit ups a day? Hell, maybe they can (I haven’t done 500 sit ups this decade, so who am I to judge?). But your Honour, until some evidence is presented to the bench, in the form of some long, decent spells in white clothing, the witness must rest.

Last week, the back page of the Sydney Daily Telegraph demanded the principle of the Baggy Green be maintained. How dare the words ‘rotation’ and ‘test match’ ever be muttered in the same paragraph, let alone sentence, they said.

Gee it was passionate. Really stood for something.

Have you seen the back pages since? Hasn’t it been just a delightfully subtle campaign to bring back Brett?

Something about a pot and a kettle? I learned that one at uni too.